What is a lost Bosnian?

Twenty years ago I never imagined I would be living in Ireland, after living 16 years in USA, no less. I was born and raised in Bosnia and Herzegovina, at the time part of Yugoslavia. Life was good for Bosnians in the 80's. There were jobs, economy was doing well, people were happy, there was peace. We were going on summer vacations to the Croatian coast, winter vacations on the Slovenian mountains and there was the occasional business trip abroad for my parents. Many kids must have been dreaming about the future in the similar way as I was; I will go to this and this school, attend this college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, and all kinds of Balkan craziness in between.

Then the war came to Bosnia in 1992. By the summer of 1993, my family and I left Bosnia and moved to Croatia. A year after that, we were making a great move across the ocean to USA. I was 13 when I left Bosnia, 14 when I left Croatia. Again, there were many kids who experienced the exact same scenario, many ending up in USA. At first, I quickly adapted to the new culture. English was easy to learn because in Bosnia I watched many English language movies and shows with subtitles. School was easier than in Bosnia with smaller work load and less classes to attend. Heck, even going away to college was fairly easy. I easily fit in with the new peers in America. Many were interested in talking to me because I was different and spoke with a heavy (probably for them, funny) Eastern European accent. I made many friends. The music was different but since we were exposed to American and British music in Bosnia, my musical taste did not have to change that much. Food was different but my mom always cooked at home so not much change there either (Denny's buffalo chicken strips are my favorite post-drinking food though!).

But as I graduated college, traveled across Europe and America, got a job, moved to a new city by myself, met new friends, had new relationships - as I matured - instead of finding myself, ... I was getting more lost. It took me several years to figure this out but I understood it once I started meeting up with other Bosnians across America. Every year on Memorial Day weekend for the last 7 or 8 years, there is a get together of Bosnians from my home town of Banja Luka. I went for the first time in 2005 and went every year until 2010. In that first year I met many other Bosnians from my generation, the generation who arrived to America when we were teenagers. I started to keep in touch with them. We visited each other in cities across America such as Phoenix, Louisville, Los Angeles, St. Louis, etc. It felt great to be a part of this new community since I did not hang out with that many Bosnians while I was away to college or back home.

However, there was one thing that Bosnians from my generation shared besides being Bosnian. We were all lost. What do I mean by lost? I mean, we literally did not know where we were. Everything about us and our lives was misplaced. Our friends were a mix of Bosnians and Americans. We can't hang out with both at the same time since we want to speak our language when we're with Bosnians but then the American friends would be alienated. But we knew many Americans better than our Bosnian friends and that caused tension. Our American girlfriends/boyfriends did not understand our cultural differences but then we couldn't find a "suitable" Bosnian girl/guy to date. We wanted to listen to Bosnian music but who can keep up with the new Bosnian music when you don't even live in the country any more? We grew up on American music but the American music doesn't touch us like our own. The way we socialize with other Bosnians is one way and the way we socialize with Americans is another.

We did not belong in Bosnia and we did not belong in America. The older generations, who were 20 and older when they came to America, already developed their personalities and could withstand the impact of new culture. The younger generations did not live long enough in Bosnia to absorb many of the characteristics of the culture and were molded quickly by the American culture. But us, we were struggling to establish our personalities. Life in Bosnia shaped us half-way then America took over. And those two sides are constantly battling.

I am not sure how many other Bosnians feel this way. I hope they voice their feelings. There must be many other immigrants who feel the same way.

Anyway, I know this wasn't very well written and I could have said a lot more but I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Right after I play a bit of Bosnian music on my guitar ... followed by a few chords of "Creep" by Stone Temple Pilots. Good night from a lost Bosnian soul.